Tales from the Brothers Grim and Grimmer - Reflections on mortality

Dear Bruce,

it's been a little time since I last put fingers to the keyboard of my trusty Victrola, which I'm delighted to confirm has been hot-wired earlier this evening to the new-fangled inter-web thingy, enabling me to communicate with you across the ether in glorious technicolor.  It's truly amazing what can be achieved with the judicious application of humble gaffer-tape.

I'm now some five months into retirement, an opportune time to pause for reflection having reached the giddy heights of a senior citizen toward the racier end of old age.

 So without more ado, here are six random thoughts on mortality...

1. I have unwittingly entered an entirely new and hitherto unexplored shadow-land where all the inhabitants are either grey and slow-moving or what I believe are termed pejoratively, 'yummy mummies'.  We come out only Monday to Friday during daylight hours to gorge on National Trust cream teas and complain incessantly about the spiraling cost of a family-sized bag of 'Werther's Originals'.

 2.  Age-appropriate clothing comes in but one shade of fashionable beige. And is invariably elasticated.

3.  I have at long last achieved my ambition to emulate the feats of the legendary Manchester United striker (now relegated to the serried mid-field ranks of asthma-suffering fat boys) one Mr Wayne Rooney. Yes, I've slept with a grannie!

4.  Talking of sleep, it's now one of life's rich pleasures to wake up come the morn to discover nothing of note has dropped off during the night. Life has gone inexorably into reverse. What once was supple and flexible has become hardened and rigid. And vice-versa.

5.  There are, however, some benefits associated with a failing body.  Increased hearing impediments prove a positive advantage in the company of both small grand-children and a wife keen to put me to work clearing the twenty seven years accumulated flotsam and jetsam which to my mind provides a useful yet inexpensive layer of thermal insulation to our increasingly bloated and groaning loft.

6.  Short term memory loss is...

Yours as ever,

Simon