Fifty Shades of Greyness

Dear Sheddists,

I have yet to read it nor, I suspect, will I ever - but for those of a certain age there remains a twinkle in the eye for the paramour of one's youth.  So before it's too late here's the Old Codger's dictionary guide to "Fifty Shades of Grey".

"S&M" - a dyslexic shopping trip for the terminally befuddled

"Bandage" - group restraint, as practiced principally by retired Scoutmasters

"Tartanabulation" - the erotic art of geriatric sub-blanket frottage

"Frottage" - the steamy head on a skinny mug of Ovaltine

"Premature ejaculation" - an unseemly incident during a lawn bowls match involving the unintended early release of the white marker-ball

"Gummylingus" - removal of false teeth prior to oral sex

"Oral sex" - talk of coital activity, before sadly losing the plot

"Dildo" - masturbationary object of pleasure for the mature lady

"Dido" - masturbationary object of pleasure for the mature man

"Aphrodisiac" - chronic condition affecting ladies of a certain age whose heads are set in a spin by thoughts of the late Jimi Hendrix

Happy reading ... that is, if you can find your glasses!