Dear Sheddists,
I have yet to read it nor, I suspect, will I ever - but for those of a certain age there remains a twinkle in the eye for the paramour of one's youth. So before it's too late here's the Old Codger's dictionary guide to "Fifty Shades of Grey".
"S&M" - a dyslexic shopping trip for the terminally befuddled
"Bandage" - group restraint, as practiced principally by retired Scoutmasters
"Tartanabulation" - the erotic art of geriatric sub-blanket frottage
"Frottage" - the steamy head on a skinny mug of Ovaltine
"Premature ejaculation" - an unseemly incident during a lawn bowls match involving the unintended early release of the white marker-ball
"Gummylingus" - removal of false teeth prior to oral sex
"Oral sex" - talk of coital activity, before sadly losing the plot
"Dildo" - masturbationary object of pleasure for the mature lady
"Dido" - masturbationary object of pleasure for the mature man
"Aphrodisiac" - chronic condition affecting ladies of a certain age whose heads are set in a spin by thoughts of the late Jimi Hendrix
Happy reading ... that is, if you can find your glasses!
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