a castle garden

england's glory

 So as the dust settles in the Helsinki Olympic Stadium is it time to re-appraise Lee Carsley's game-plans?

Against Greece, the strategy was to create fear, confusion and chaos. England succeeded big-time. The only slight problem was that the wrong team was affected. Just imagine what might have happened had this audacious 'Sturm und Drang' master-plan worked as intended...

With this in mind, it seems meet and proper to return to the topic of team selection. I offer my thoughts below.

Against Greece, Ollie Watkins stalked the Wembley sidelines like a puma on heat. What a travesty he was denied a place on the pitch for much of the game. This must change. Watkins needs a role at the heart of the team where he can help deliver an immediate and marked improvement. Step forward our new England keeper. Surely his performance can be no worse than the flailing scarecrow that was Jordan Pickford?

There is an added bonus. Released of his goal-minding responsibilities, Pickford could be assigned to the mid-field. Given his propensity for venturing far beyond his allotted realm he might advance still further and take up a position in the opposition box, a territory little explored on Tuesday by our more conventional attackers.

Which brings us neatly to Harry Kane. During the Euros he cut a sad and lonely figure, disconnected from his team-mates. He is nothing if not consistent so it came as little surprise to find him restored to the ranks yesterday. His current demeanour is entirely in keeping with the England team dynamic.

Phil Foden continues to frustrate. Brilliant for his club and purpose-less for his country. Nevertheless, Carsley should double-down. Foden's glass is half-empty so to succeed he needs to be cloned. A 'Dolly the Sheep' type transformation should do the job. With two Fodens on the pitch there is a possibility he/they may thrive where one has failed. Indeed, Carsley might well be tempted to go further still and stuff the subs bench entirely with Foden clones.

Which brings us to more controversial territory. With traditional footballers falling by the wayside, Carsley needs to turn to the political benches for a much needed injection of impetus, drive and direction. On the right wing what could possibly be better than watching Kemi Badenoch and Robert Jenrick slug it out in a fight to the death? This seems likely to create significantly more interest than the current Conservative Party leadership contest and distract the opposition to boot.

And in defence why not turn to the even more extreme right-wing? Trump, admittedly, is not English. However, a deft green-card reverse manoeuvre by the Government (who apparently are skilled in providing prompt security clearance) could open the way to his debut. Trump professes huge ability to construct defences to defy the wiles of Johnny Foreigner. Furthermore if, perish the thought, those defences should be breached Trump could be set to work arguing vehemently that his new team never really lost and it was all a huge global conspiracy.

Trump could be partnered with his current American running mate, JD Vance. JD is well-used to feeding on the scraps left by his political boss. We would, however, have to accommodate the move by making subtle alterations to the team shirt. Mention of three big cats might create an unfortunate 'trigger' response in the fun-loving Vance.

We move now to the opposite side of the pitch. Is it time to ask Jeremy Corbyn to take up the cudgels once more on the left wing? The fact he no longer plays for his former team and is viewed as an eccentric maverick should qualify him well to step into the shoes of his England predecessors.

This leaves just one place to be filled.  A player who embodies the very core of Carsley's strategy, a player to whom fear, confusion and chaos are no stranger. Step forward Liz Truss ... your time has come!

colours of autumn

european dreams!